ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
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Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Ok, but like, how married are you?
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
When I laugh on my period
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
When your man makes a valid point
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
scrabbled eggs
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary