Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
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Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids