[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
You Might Also Like
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Me, flirting😏
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?