Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
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It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”