Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
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me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Goat cheese is for herders.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice