I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
You Might Also Like
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
i baked you a cake
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same