WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
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Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.