I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
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If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
🚲+physics = winner
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.