“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
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who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait