I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
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I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism