Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
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{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Try and stop me.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.