wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
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[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.