Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
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The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.