[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
You Might Also Like
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.