*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
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FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
the dark web is just a goth google.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’