I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
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Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.