My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
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If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem