wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
You Might Also Like
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.