Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
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Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Sign of the day..
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Sorry. Not sorry
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.