Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
You Might Also Like
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”