I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
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everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Social distancing in Australia:
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.