Midwest trash talk
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My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
that lip filler tho
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.