As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
You Might Also Like
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
My kitchen overserved me.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Omg 🤣
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.