I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
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Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
A Short Story.