Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
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Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.