I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
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Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
you know what ruined my childhood? children
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it