Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
You Might Also Like
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Yes, but it was never about money
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one