*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
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I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”