**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
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Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.