I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
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Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?