Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
You Might Also Like
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Me if I was a dog
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.