With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
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I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime