So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
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the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*