“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
You Might Also Like
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
White parent Vs Arab parents
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.