Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
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I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”