A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
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Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.