I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
You Might Also Like
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.