Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
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I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
*offers Batman cough drops*
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Wait a second…
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???