‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
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this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
May never get over this
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.