If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
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So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Put this video in the Louvre
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.