new career option?
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Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”