I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
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My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
*me flirting
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Harsh but fair
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
listen closely
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.