Bro what is this
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[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I was bored.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.