Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
decorating my apartment
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Whoa 😂
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.