I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
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My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
#ThisMakesMeLaugh