[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
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*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.