I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
You Might Also Like
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Most fashion shows these days…
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector