[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
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[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS