Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
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I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.