If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
You Might Also Like
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.